Filming Continues This Weekend

Filming of Rachel's Graduation Gift will continue this Saturday, November 15, on location at Goucher College.

Steven M. Paquin said he would "try to pencil it in," for he is allegedly "negotiating the construction of [his] new hotel casino in Macao." It is important to note that Mr. Paquin is actually a sophomore at Goucher College; therefore, even though his presence may be demanded in Macao to extend his Hollywood golden era themed hotel and casino chain, he will most probably be at Goucher College anyway.

It was somewhat odd that Mr. Paquin seemed unaware and uncaring that filming would continue within five days. When presented with Mr. Paquin's ambiguous attitude, Jacob Cote stated:

"I am not interested in what Mr. Paquin has or has not agreed to. He doesn't know what's going on anyway. Too busy with his big tobacco lobbying and taking care of his 'babies.'"

Mr. Paquin does indeed keep his "babies," meaning his pet hyenas The Joker and The Two Face, on the Goucher College campus, where Mr. Paquin "allow[s] them to roam freely and eat squirrels and deer." We learned that on one occasion one of Mr. Paquin's hyenas - he refused to name which - attacked a student, severely injuring him. Mr. Paquin then had to go before the Judiciary Board, more commonly known as the J-Board.

"I launched a successful defense, arguing that it was the hyena's nature to behave this way, and that punishing me, implied that the hyena's nature should be restricted, which would be an attempt to control the environment; something Goucher regards as unethical."

The J-Board promptly acquitted Mr. Paquin; however, many students remain sour about the incident, and still cannot reason their way around Mr. Paquin's logic. Campus rumors indicate that some students may try to protest the filming in response to this incident. Regarding this possibility Mr. Cote stated:

"Goucher U. is secluded and deluded. Any punk hippie counterculture students and professors who dare interrupt will be dealt with by the National Guard, Kent-State-style."

He went on, commenting on his filming preferences:

"Like Hitchcock, I loathe filming on location, particularly outside, because it's too difficult to control. I prefer to film everything, including outdoor scenes, in a studio. Unfortunately, someone forgot to reserve a studio."

Mr. Cote implied Mr. Paquin was that someone; however, while trying on a gray trench coat and biting on a cigar at an expensive Baltimore men's clothing store, Mr. Paquin replied, "Wait.... What? .... Does this trench coat have damn belt?" It was unclear whether the whole statement was regarding the trench coats suspicious lack of a belt, or if the first part concerned his apparent forgetfulness to reserve a local studio. Unfortunately, like always, Mr. Paquin refused to comment further, sprinkling cigar ash on our heads, and then leaving the store without paying for the trench coat.

Mr. Cote was pressed further about his apparent disdain for Goucher College. He had this to say:

"Goucher U. is the Berkeley of the East. It needs to be carpet-bombed into oblivion."

Aware of Goucher's environmental stance on practically everything, but particularly food, and also aware that Mr. Cote has yet to eat a meal without meat and potatoes throughout his twenty-odd year existence, Mr. Cote was asked what the production would be doing for the dinning situation. Mr. Cote revealed that "[he] would never eat in the dining hall because it only serves vegetables"; therefore, Carl Weathers will again be providing the craft service.

Mr. Paquin responded by pointing out Mr. Cote's characterization of Goucher's dinning hall was "not completely accurate" because "Goucher also has fruit." However, apparently that is really all it has. Mr. Paquin stated that Goucher has no dairy products or eggs.

"I cannot wait until Weather's craft service gets here. I am going to have steak, sausage, and bacon with scrambled eggs all covered in melted cheddar cheese, and... yeah that is all going to be deep fried."

Once again Mr. Cote and Mr. Paquin refused to reveal any film content. However, Mr. Cote alleged that they would "be filming scenes in [Mr. Paquin's] door room, in the hallway outside his room, on the tennis courts, and at other outdoor locations on campus." When asked if any other actors would be joining the production on Saturday, Mr. Cote stated, "If you can call Mr. Nicholas Cote an 'actor,' sure."

So far, it looks like the weekend is a great set up for another failure.

Unfortunately, neither Nicholas Cote nor Carl Weather's could be reached for comment.