This Weekend's Difficulties

This past Saturday, November 15, filming of Rachel's Graduation Gift continued on location at Gouhcer College, where one of the co-creators, Steven M. Paquin, is currently a sophomore. Mr. Paquin was kind enough to meet with us in person on the Goucher campus despite his allegedly busy schedule, which demanded his presence in France where his multi-national business, Paquin Promethean International, is supposedly constructing a motor raceway. Of course, Mr. Paquin refused to provide any unquestionable evidence that he does indeed own a multi-national business, that it is called Paquin Promethean International, or that this apparent business is building a motor raceway in France.

"I don't have to prove myself to you buffoons."

Thus, he implied that he is only a chronic liar. Nicholas Cote appeared to confirm this when he said, "Don't believe anything he says to you, ever." However, in this particular instance, Mr. Nicholas Cote was referring to the European limousine and chauffeur Mr. Paquin claims he provided for the co-creators to use over the weekend. 

However, Mr. Jacob Cote contradicted his brother's assertion that no limousine existed, for when asked if everyone, including Mr. Paquin's two pet hyenas, fit in the limousine, Mr. Jacob Cote stated:

"I wouldn't be caught dead in that limousine -- which is what I would be if I dared enter it. There's hyena feces all over the floor, and the chauffeur's bloody corpse -- the work of [Mr. Paquin's] babies -- has yet to be removed."

So, already off to a fantastic start. A chronic liar amidst two brothers that consistently contradict one another.

(Photographed on the upper right is one of Mr. Paquin's

hyenas guarding the European limousine Mr. Paquin provided. Photographed on the bottom right is one of 

Mr. Paquin's hyenas sitting in the European limousine Mr. Paquin provided, which is littered with hyena feces and the chauffeur's blood.)

Though Mr. Paquin did admit letting his hyenas in the

limousine "was not one of [his] better ideas," he claimed

that nothing else over the weekend was his fault. In fact, he blamed Mr. Nicholas Cote for some serious filming schedule set backs: 

"He was being ridiculous. Complaining about efficiency or logic. I don't really know what. I don't understand that talk. Anyway his concern for efficiency actually set the filming schedule back several hours, and we never got to film the elephant stampede scene. Not only that, but since we did not have time for that scene, all the money used to rent 2000 elephant shoes for the weekend was wasted."

In response, Mr. Nicholas Cote pointed out that "the only time [he] was difficult was when [Mr. Paquin] insisted walking 10 minutes from [their] shooting location to go back to his dorm to change for another scene, even though he could have simply brought the change of clothes with him." He also added that the elephant stampede scene exists nowhere "except maybe [Mr. Paquin's] mind."

In a rare occurrence, Mr. Jacob Cote appeared to confirm Mr. Nicholas Cote's statement in regards to the elephant stampede scene:

" Mr. Paquin is ... confusing himself with Harry Saltzman, who was one of the original two Bond producers before his bad decisions (including renting elephant shoes for a stampede scene that didn't even make it into the final script) forced him to sell his share. If Mr. Paquin doesn't watch out, he'll end up like Saltzman."

Mr. Paquin only asserted that "[he] never confuses [his] identity with anyone else's," and that he is "positive their is an elephant stampede yet to be filmed."

Asked whether there were any other problems, Mr. Paquin took us to Goucher College's Pearlstone Atrium, where they filmed some scenes. According to Mr. Paquin, "this was the most difficult filming location" because "even though the building was closed, high and drunk college students kept snooping in for a rare 

glimpse at [him]." 

(Photographed on the left is a photo of Mr. Jacob Cote and Mr. Nicholas Cote attempting to film an important scene in the packed Pearlstone Atrium.) 

That last part probably is not true, but Mr. Jacob Cote and Mr. Nicholas Cote agreed that the Pearlstone Atrium was a difficult filming location because "punk hippies continually talked loudly and walked by ... even though they shouldn't have even been in that building." 

According to Mr. Jacob Cote, "[A]t that time they should have been out partying." He also took particular offense with "one really weird guy" who "continually walked around in circles eating a pizza." Mr. Jacob Cote did in fact call the National Guard ahead of time, so they could secure the campus for the weekend filming, but "[t]hose pansies" "refused to step foot on the campus because they were afraid of being killed."

When asked why they did not film these scenes in a better location, Mr. Paquin revealed that the scenes were originally scripted to be filmed out doors. Unfortunately, it rained, causing them to head in side.

"I just want all the environmentalist to know I am holding them accountable for this problem. If you wouldn't keep getting in the way of man's efforts to control nature, we would have a God damn weather machine by now, and we wouldn't have to deal with these inconveniences. At this very moment, I am declaring war on nature and those that harbor and support it."

We have a suspicion that this war will be an even bigger quagmire than Iraq. In any event, Mr. Nicholas Cote stated the rain did not affect the filming schedule "as much as it affected [his] mood," and Mr. Jacob Cote characterized it as "a blessing in disguise, because it's convinced [them] to film most of the other scenes [they] were originally going to shoot outdoors, indoors instead, where it's more controlled." Mr. Jacob Cote appears to have forgotten his statements about the "punk hippies" and the "really weird guy" he made four seconds ago. 

In regards to the dinning situation, which appeared bleak before the weekend, apparently some private financiers funded "a meal of gourmet burgers, never-ending fries, and hot fudge sundaes at Red Robin." According to Mr. Jacob Cote, "Carl Weathers was too busy getting a restraining order against Tobias Funke," but Mr. Nicholas Cote claims Mr. Weathers craft service is always below par because "he just throws some leftover meat, a potato, and some veggies into a bowl and tells [them] he's got a stew going."

Unfortunately, neither Mr. Weathers nor his stalker Tobias Funke could not be reached for comment. 

Obviously, the private financiers saved the co-creators from eating at Goucher's all vegetable and fruit dinning hall. Aside from the poor dining situation, all three co-creators had additional complaints about Goucher College. Mr. Nicholas Cote thought it "seemed more like a Soviet prison camp than a college." Mr. Jacob Cote stated that it has become "even more subversive" since his last visit, and that "this was [his] second and final visit." Mr. Paquin also claimed "this was [his] last visit." However, once again, he goes to school here, so, once again, he lied. 

Finally, we asked the co-creators if they could reveal any details about the film. Presently, no one has any idea where this film is going, and the latest batch of photos has only confused people more. Mr. Jacob Cote said, "the second trailer will give you a hunt." Unfortunately, this makes the situation even more confusing. Since Mr. Jacob Cote refused to comment on whether he actually meant 'hunt' or 'hint,' the second trailer could simply be released, or if there indeed could be some sort of advertising scavenger hunt similar to the viral campaign for The Dark Knight. We asked Mr. Nicholas Cote for more details. However, he only stated:

"I am afraid that [Mr. Paquin] will send his hyenas after me if I talk. Of course, I don't think he actually has the hyenas. But you don't cross a guy who pretends to have hyenas. He's obviously insane."

Therefore, that left only one person to ask, Mr. Paquin, who unfortunately appears to be descending into psychosis with each passing second. When we were about to ask him, he removed a fifty caliber Desert Eagle from under his suit jacket and shot a deer on the Goucher College campus. A security guard quickly looked over, but noticing who it was, he slowly backed away. At that point, we decided not to pressure Mr. Paquin with any further questions. However, as he approached the dead deer, Mr. Paquin said:

"Oh, by the way, the second trailer for Rachel's Graduation Gift will be released on Thursday, November 27, 2008. It will premiere before a privileged few, who may or may not engage in an Internet and urban cross country scavenger hunt. Later that day it will be uploaded to the Internet."

We asked why they decided to release the trailer on the Thanksgiving holiday, but Mr. Paquin responded by clicking the hammer back on the Desert Eagle, looking over his shoulder, and saying, "I have never heard of such a holiday."